Today I wanted to discuss having spirit. Some of us have tranquil spirits, some fiery, or a combination of the two. I would say I have a combination of the two. I know that as a child I was deemed difficult at times due to having a horrible temper and was prone to tantrums. I remember vividly being sent to my room and kicking the bedroom walls in my protest and being quite mouthy. I think it was just my younger self, being the youngest, trying to assert my “power” and get attention. It is just natural for us humans to want attention, and especially as a child you do not know the difference between good attention and bad attention.
Fortunately, somewhere along the line, I learned to curb my innate fiery spirit, and channeled that spirit and desire into other activities that did not involve kicking bedroom walls. I threw myself into reading, gaining knowledge through books. I was a book worm from the moment I learned to read. I became an introvert of sorts and could spend hours reading. On the opposite side of that, I could spend hours outside riding my bike, exploring nature, climbing trees, running around the neighborhood and playing with all the neighborhood kids.
It is only recently, as I approached the half century mark, that I have been able to look inward and think back on my past, and see how some of my thoughts and behavior patterns shaped my outward personality and what I allowed others to “see” about myself. I am a Scorpio and all the books you read about this sign always say they rarely show their true selves. Only to a trusted few has my inner flame been shared. I have made mental notes of all those that have perceived me wrongly over the years, and frankly felt it was their loss – not mine, in not taking the time to truly get to know me. I am your best warrior in times of struggle, and your best bet in being a soldier for you in your time of need if you let me “in” long enough to be your champion, especially if you are the under dog. I fight the good fight. I champion the cause for truth, justice, faith, hope and love. It is what made me go into a healing profession and being an advocate for those that needed me.
In reflection, I realized that innately I understood that the majority of others, even if I had revealed my true spirit to them, they would not have understood it and thus I kept this part of me under wraps in various times of my life. I honestly think that me squelching my inner flames were more of a protection mode so that others would not get hurt by my ability to sting with words or actions if I did not keep it controlled. I never want to intentionally hurt anyone. I have more of a healing type spirit, I want to bring calm from the chaos, peace instead of war.
BUT…. the reality is that once cornered – or faced with injustice – or faced with my reputation being tarnished – or truths being altered – the fiery spirit that dwells inside me WILL come out in full force and I will protect and defend myself and loved ones especially if it involves ethics , moral judgement and truths. I can honestly say that I have intentionally not acknowledged or confronted others when I knew their perceptions of me were false, or that false words were being spoken of me, and most often tried my best to “prove myself” instead. I spent too many years trying to gain love and respect by thinking I had to prove myself in various ways. I now feel like you can “take me or leave me” exactly the way I am. I think, therefore, I am.
The person I am today, is perhaps wiser in the ways of the world. Once inclined to only think that the world has the best intentions based in truth, justice, faith, hope and love – I no longer immediately “assume” that people’s intentions are “good”. I have developed a more healthy balance of questioning intentions, evaluating what words have been said, what actions have been done and then forming a more accurate opinion on the matter.
That inner fiery spirit has been showing itself in the form of self protection, standing up for myself and others, being a seeker of truth and justice, and channeling that heat into positive energy. I guess today, I wanted to let others know that perhaps are a little bit like me ( Who are a little bit country AND a little bit Rock and Roll ) – that it is OK to let your inner fiery spirit to show itself once in awhile, it does not have to be a full roaring fire as embers put off more heat and last longer than the tall, flickering flames. Save your flames for when it is time to fight for what is right, but keep your embers ever glowing. “Stay gold, Ponyboy, stay gold.”
In thankfulness and gratitude I sign off today and best wishes to all.