How many moments of my waking hours have I fancied myself to be a writer someday? Too numerous to count. My notes of my thoughts filling my smart phones over the years, first my Iphone, and now my Note 3, thinking to myself – “How clever that thought is.” Once scribed into the various note sections of the phone, it sits, unread by the thousands of imagined readers that I hope to someday reach , that somehow – just might relate to what I am feeling and writing.
Hours of reading to cure my insatiable curiosity of this world, regarding both the seen and the unseen, enigmatic or ironic questions that I have in my mind, fill little notebooks throughout my house, some written years ago, some recently until the writer’s impetus and urge has moved me to this venue to share with the world my views, ideas, thoughts, and dreams.
Questions such as : Why are we here? , Who has or had the right answers? The ancient Jews? The Egyptians? The ancient Greeks or Romans? Perhaps it was the Pagans? The more I read, the more they all sound the same . I see how the Christian faith, which is relatively new to this Earth, tells of many of the same stories and myths and guides of living that were laid down by many prior faiths and religions before it arrived here on Earth. It does not lessen it in any way, it only draws upon the depth and wisdom of the prior ages that it incorporated into its faith.
I often wonder, how is it that no one else seems to sense what I sense? See what I see? Are there others out there like ME? Is this the audience I chose to speak to in this blog? I think not, as I am an open book to all learning experiences and opinions of others. If I did only cater my thoughts to those that think as I do, how few that would be, I think, and the voice that is within us all, that drags us down into thinking we are nothing in this world, reminding me that I have nothing to say that is worth hearing or read by others, that I will be ignored, made me succumb too many times to those thoughts and I remained silent. But that was the past.
I have recently felt the pull of another voice, the one that promises fulfillment and promise , the one that fills me with faith, hope and love, and my pen goes to work. I fancy my words will someday be available for all the world to see and enjoy. That day is today. In my mind’s eye, I wonder to myself, should I write a tale? One of those based on a forgotten myth, a character of tragedy, or one full of insights into our human destinies and desires?
How strange am I? I know the outward appearance of myself and the words I speak out loud – touch on what lies beneath. These sublities are picked up by others, I am deemed quirky, even by some as having a hippie mentality, serene and non confrontational in nature… If they only knew!!!
The lioness that lives within, the emotions held in sway beneath the ocean that dwells inside of me. The hurts that I have endured at the insensitivies of others words and actions throughout my life, I have come to forgive and be thankful for these episodes as they were learning lessons and helped me to grow into who I am as a spiritual person. It was not always so. The callousness of the world around me, the hateful words that have been spoken to me or about me in the past, I am ashamed to admit that I succumbed too many times to their clutches, and sought the status quo life and tried to be like the others who were around me , and tried to conform to what they wished me to be.
At times my memory fades from me , like a dream forgotten, then a spark returns of the dream , and portions of my memory return. Childhood things, like climbing a tree with my books in hand, using a strong linear branch of that childhood tree as my stepping “stone” to the roof of my house to find a place that I could read, read, and read some more to my hearts content, and also watch the world go by from my lofty position. That child is the adult I wish to be, full of questions, without fear, and not afraid to perch myself high and learn from what I see below.
What is handed down to us from our parents, our forefathers and mothers that would make such an individual as me? The pride I feel in seeing bits of myself in my children, makes me wonder what bits of my ancestors are present in me. In the process of this self discovery, my journey of late, I have been fortunate to realize and been shown how others perceive me and view me. It was eye opening and not a fun experience on several levels. Oh! But to be on the outside what we think we are on the inside!!!
The biting of my tongue/ or pen should I say, is it out of fear as other’s may judge me or perceive me in a way that I wish not to convey? Yes, it was at many points along the way in my life. Perhaps now as I soon enter the second half century of my life, it was the impetus for me to set my words and thoughts in a blog as I now know that my thoughts do matter, and if I perhaps touch one other soul with my words, then this endeavor has been worth it. Or on the flip side, did I bite my tongue in the past because I wanted to “save” others from my ferociousness that I knew lay dormant, but is now awakening in my soul and spirit? Like a lioness ready to pounce, I stayed my pouncing for too many years to count. I once wrote : “How many hurtful words must I endure before the lioness leaps?”… I would say that I have effectively said – “None – any more.”
The pieces of ME, like a symphony of disjointed melodies, is coming together into a wonderful chorus. At one point , peaceful and serene, then turning into a march , then a sensual melody of softness and hinting at romance so looked for and found, but lost again. What was my melody of the past? It was a meandering one, neither marching nor embracing, just listlessly floating along, carrying soothing promises of better things to come.
I envision my own life now and realize with more “opened” eyes, that perhaps things do all happen for reasons we don’t understand, but in time the meaning becomes clear. I am thankful and grateful for all my past experiences, as I now know these learning experiences are what have shaped me into this person I am today. We are all on our own individual journeys in this life. Some paths may be similar, others may be at odds with our own, but it is not for us to judge another’s path of learning. We are each given what we can handle, and absorb, and understand at differing levels of comprehension. I try and be more mindful that some in this world are operating on a different thought process level, and do not think as I do , but it does not lessen their experiences , opinions or way in which they live their life.
I end my first blog post with blessings sent out to all who read this, and to all those I love and cherish in this world.
Blessings and may YOUR LIGHT shine bright –